Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
