Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
