Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
