Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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