Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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