I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
