Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize