On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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