Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Mom said you looked used
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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