so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
