I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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