I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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