it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
