3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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