The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
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Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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