My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize