mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
