I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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