Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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