I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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