I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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