Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
