i jhust puked up my retainher.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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