I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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