Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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