the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize