this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
