My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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