are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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