We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
