On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
ttyl tear gas
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
