I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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