I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize