you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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