I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She said her name was "party"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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