hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
