Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
