Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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