My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
