He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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