so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
