I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
