made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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