Your face is a jimmy john
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
