Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
