I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
His nipple licking is glorious
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