come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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