every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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