they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
