it was like his penis was on wheels.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
