at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
