the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Randomize
