oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
