My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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